I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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