You're my little dorito
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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