I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
