Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He shit in the fireplace
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
