she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
