so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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