I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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