I'm going to jail i love you
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
there's paper in my vomit.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
