Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
