We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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