btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize