drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
