it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
