Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
