There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize