On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
