I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
