My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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