My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
