'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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