The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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