She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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