its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
