can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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