Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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