If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
