What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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