i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
