apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
