i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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