Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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