Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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