either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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