Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
