Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
