woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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