I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
