i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
