I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
