i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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