she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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