if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
