She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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