one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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