My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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