toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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