when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
