dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
