atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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