What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
