i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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