I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize