I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
