John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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