____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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