there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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