I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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