like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
