my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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